Chapter 4: Carnival of Gazes
The air in the gym was a thick cocktail of disinfectant, expensive perfume, and human sweat. It coated the back of Paula’s throat with every ragged breath. The mirrored wall in front of her was a trap, reflecting a thousand identical red-headed women back into infinity, each one straining under the weight of a barbell. Her muscles burned, quivering with a fire that was both alien and deeply, personally punishing.
“Two more, Paula! You’ve got this! Drive through your heels!” Lili’s voice cut through the thumping bass of the workout playlist, bright and encouraging.
Paula’s gaze, in the mirror, snagged on the man two machines over. He wasn’t even pretending to work out. He was just watching, his eyes tracking the rise and fall of her hips as she sank into another squat. The sheer black fabric of the leggings felt like a second skin, and she was acutely aware of the way it stretched across her glutes with each movement. His stare was a physical brand, hotter than the exertion burning through her thighs.
She pushed up, the barbell a cruel anchor on her shoulders.
“Perfect form! Look at that depth!” Lili chirped. She was holding her phone, ostensibly filming for a ‘form check.’ But Paula had seen the screen. The camera wasn’t on her spine or her knees. It was zoomed in, tight and unblinking, on her ass. The lens felt more invasive than the stranger’s eyes.
“Lili, stop,” Paula gasped, racking the weight with a loud clang of metal. She straightened up, her hands going to the small of her back. Every muscle screamed.
“What? I’m just making sure your glute engagement is optimal.” Lili lowered the phone, her face a mask of innocent helpfulness. She swiped the screen and played back the video. It was a slow-motion shot of Paula’s final squat, the fabric tightening obscenely across her muscles. “See? Look at that contraction. Textbook.”
Paula snatched the phone from her hand and deleted the video. “I don’t need a textbook written on my ass.”
Lili just laughed, taking the phone back. “Relax. It’s a compliment. That’s a body people want to look at. You should get used to it.” She nodded toward the man who’d been staring. He quickly looked away, feigning interest in a dumbbell. “See? You made his day.”
“I don’t want to make his day. I want to finish this so I can go home and feel my legs again.”
“Next station. Hip thrusts. You’ll love these.” Lili’s smile was a razor blade.
The setup was worse. Sitting on the floor, back against a padded bench, with a barbell across her lap. It positioned her like an offering. Lili helped her get the weight in place, her hands lingering on Paula’s hips, adjusting her. “Arch your back more. Really present.”
The phrase made Paula’s skin crawl. She looked up at the ceiling, trying to disconnect from the scene, but the mirrors were everywhere. She could see the entire gym, and she was sure everyone could see her. She began the thrusts, a brutal, pelvic motion that made her face flush with something beyond effort.
Lili had her phone out again. “Okay, now I’m just getting a clip for my Instagram story. #GluteGains. Don’t mind me.”
Paula froze, the barbell heavy on her pelvis. “Are you kidding me? Delete that.”
“It’s already up. Don’t worry, it’s a great angle. You’re a natural.” Lili winked, tapping at her screen. “And… we’re live. Smile!”
A cold dread washed over Paula, cutting through the heat of the workout. Live. On the internet. For anyone to see. Max Thorne, tech prodigy, was currently a viral snippet of a redhead’s ass pumping iron. The absurdity was a physical nausea. She shoved the barbell off, letting it crash to the floor with a sound that made several people jump.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she hissed, scrambling to her feet.
Lili’s expression didn’t change. She pocketed her phone. “I’m showing you the world you’re in now. This is it. This is the currency. You can be offended, or you can use it.” She stepped closer, her voice dropping. “You think I got this apartment, this life, by being shy? You adapt or you get chewed up. Now, are you going to finish the set, or are you going to run back to your code and hide?”
Paula stood there, trembling, the echo of the crashing weight still ringing in her ears. She looked at her reflection—disheveled, furious, trapped. Hiding in the code was exactly what she wanted. It was the only place where the rules made sense. But Lili was right. The code had thrown her here. The rules had changed.
She looked at the barbell on the floor. She looked at Lili’s challenging stare. She looked at the countless reflections of the woman she was supposed to be.
Without a word, she walked over to the weight rack, her legs feeling like water. She selected two heavy kettlebells, carrying one in each hand. She ignored the hip thrust setup entirely and walked to a empty mat in the corner. She dropped into a squat, holding the kettlebells at her sides, and began a series of brutal, punishing goblet squats. Her own exercise. Her own form.
She didn’t look in the mirror. She didn’t look at Lili. She just stared at a crack in the floor tile and pushed, each squat a silent, furious rebellion against the reflection, the camera, the stares, and the body that housed her.
Lili watched, arms crossed. She didn’t take her phone out. A slow, genuine smile spread across her face. This was better. This was progress.
After the last set, Paula’s body was a wrung-out rag. She chugged water from her bottle, the liquid cool and life-giving. Lili tossed her a towel.
“See? You’re a quick study.” Lili nodded toward the smoothie bar at the front of the gym. “Now for the real reward. I told you about the peanut butter drizzle.”
Paula followed, her mind strangely quiet. The initial shock had been replaced by a cold, hard knot of resolve in her gut. As they passed the mirror, she allowed herself a glance. The red-headed woman was sweaty, powerful, and her eyes held a new, grim determination.
She wasn’t just surviving the body anymore. She was starting to command it.
They sat at a high-top table near the window, the city buzzing below them. Paula spooned the thick, purple açaí blend into her mouth. The peanut butter drizzle was, as promised, a transcendent experience.
“So,” Lili said, licking her own spoon clean. “You handled that. A little meltdown, but you stuck the landing.”
“You posted a video of my hips on the internet,” Paula said flatly.
“And the world kept spinning. You got a few likes. A few thirsty comments. It’s just data.” Lili leaned forward. “The faster you stop seeing it as a personal violation and start seeing it as a tool, the faster you get control back.”
Paula stared out the window. A tool. Like the app had been a tool. It made a sick kind of sense. “I need to get back to my computers.”
“I know you do. But first, we’re going to the sauna. You’ve earned it.”
The sauna was a small, cedar-paneled box that smelled of eucalyptus and heat. It was empty. They sat on the highest bench, the scorching air searing Paula’s lungs. Sweat dripped from her chin, her nose, between her breasts. It was a purifying agony. She leaned her head back against the wall, closing her eyes.
The door opened, letting in a blast of cooler air. Two men walked in, talking loudly about bond yields. They took the bench opposite. The sauna felt instantly smaller.
Paula kept her eyes closed, trying to ignore them. But she could feel their presence, a shift in the energy of the room. The conversation died down. She could sense their eyes on her. On Lili. It was the gym all over again, but closer, hotter, more confined.
One of them, a guy with a thick neck and a corporate tan, cleared his throat. “Tough workout, ladies?”
Lili didn’t open her eyes. “The usual.”
“Looks it.” His friend, younger, with a weaselly voice, chimed in. “You’re both killing it. Seriously impressive.”
Paula’s skin crawled. The heat was suddenly suffocating. She felt exposed, sitting there in just her sports bra and shorts, the sweat making the fabric cling to every curve. This was different from the coded world of likes and comments. This was physical, immediate, and threatening.
The first man, Mr. Corporate Tan, wasn’t looking at Lili anymore. His gaze was fixed on Paula. “You’re new here, right? I’d remember that hair.”
Paula opened her eyes. The man was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. They were doing a lazy, brazen inventory of her body. She felt a flash of Max’s old anger, a hot, familiar surge. But it was muffled, filtered through this new body’s fear. Her heart hammered against her ribs.
“She’s with me,” Lili said, her voice cool and sharp as a shard of ice. She still hadn’t moved.
“Lucky you,” the weaselly one said with a weak laugh.
The first man’s smile widened. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his gaze dropping to Paula’s chest. “So, red. You come here often?”
The line was so pathetic it was almost funny. But the intent behind it wasn’t. It was a test. A power play in a 180-degree box. Paula’s mouth went dry. Her old self would have snorted, made a cutting remark about his lack of creativity. Her new self wanted to vanish into the cedar walls.
Lili finally moved. She sat up slowly, turning her head to look at the man. Her expression was utterly blank, which was somehow more terrifying than any scowl.
“The sauna’s a place for quiet,” she said, her voice low and devoid of all its usual musicality. “Either find yours, or get the fuck out.”
The man’s smile vanished. He looked from Lili’s dead-eyed stare to Paula’s terrified face. He held up his hands in a mock surrender. “Whoa. Easy. Just making conversation.” He stood up, his friend quickly following. “We’ll leave you to it.”
The door hissed shut behind them, leaving a ringing silence in their wake. The only sound was the hiss of the hot rocks.
Paula let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. Her hands were shaking.
Lili looked at her. “You okay?”
Paula just shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself. The confrontation had lasted less than a minute, but it had hollowed her out. The confident resolve she’d felt after her workout had evaporated. This was the reality Lili kept talking about. It wasn’t just admiration or thirsty comments. It was this. The feeling of being prey in a confined space.
“They’re just assholes,” Lili said, her voice softening back to its normal tone. “You can’t let them get inside your head.”
“They were inside the room,” Paula whispered.
Lili didn’t have an answer for that. She just reached over and squeezed Paula’s knee, her hand warm and solid. “Come on. Let’s hit the cold plunge. It’ll shock the feeling back into you.”
Later, under the blistering spray of the shower, Paula scrubbed the sweat and the lingering feeling of those men’s eyes from her skin. The water was as hot as she could stand it. She replayed the moment in the sauna, over and over. Her fear. Her silence. Lili’s cool, effortless command.
Lili had known what to do. Lili had known what to say. She existed in this world with a fluency Paula couldn’t fathom.
As she toweled off and dressed in the clean clothes from her bag—the simple jeans and t-shirt that felt like a relief after the gym wear—a new, chilling thought crystallized.
This wasn’t just about learning to live in a new body. It was about learning to live in a world that saw that body first, and the person inside it as a distant second. A world where a man felt entitled to space, to attention, to a piece of you, just because of how you looked.
And the most terrifying part was the dawning realization that to survive it, to ever get back to her old life, she might have to become more like Lili. She might have to learn not just to wear the skin, but to weaponize it.
She looked at her reflection in the steamed-up mirror, wiping a clear patch with her hand. The red-haired woman looked back, her expression unreadable.
The code waiting for her at home suddenly felt like the easiest problem she would have to solve all day.
The walk back to the apartment was a silent, exhausted trance. The city’s evening sounds—blaring horns, snippets of conversation, the distant wail of a siren—felt muffled and far away. Paula’s muscles had transitioned from burning fire to a deep, resonant ache that pulsed in time with her heartbeat.
Inside, she dropped her gym bag by the door and just stood for a moment in the cool, quiet expanse of her own home. The familiar skyline twinkled beyond the windows, a grid of ordered light that offered no answers. Lili flopped onto the oversized sofa with a contented sigh, kicking off her shoes.
“I feel like I’ve been run over by a very sexy truck,” Lili groaned, stretching her arms over her head.
“Tell me about it.” Paula’s voice was rough with fatigue. The confrontation in the sauna replayed in her mind on a loop, each time leaving her feeling smaller. The code, the servers, the silent monitors in the other room—they called to her with a siren song of logical problems and clean, binary solutions.
But her body had other, more immediate demands. A hollow hunger gnawed at her stomach, and the memory of the açaí bowl was a distant, insufficient memory. “I’m starving. I’m ordering a pizza. And wings. And probably something stupidly cheesy and gross.”
Lili grinned, pulling out her phone. “Now you’re speaking my language. Get extra garlic knots. My treat for being such a good sport today.”
The next few hours bled into a comfortable, meandering conversation. They talked about everything and nothing—Lili’s most ridiculous clients, the best places for cheap sushi, the unbearable noise the building’s plumbing made at three in the morning. The tense energy from the gym and sauna slowly dissipated, replaced by a fragile, easy camaraderie. Paula found herself laughing, a real, unforced laugh that felt foreign in her throat.
As the sky outside deepened to a velvety black, Paula finally stood and stretched. “I can’t sit in these sweaty clothes anymore. I’m changing.”
In her bedroom, she peeled off the gym clothes, letting them fall to the floor in a damp heap. The cool air was a relief on her skin. She rifled through the new drawers, her hands bypassing the more complicated items. She pulled on a soft, faded t-shirt that hung loosely on her frame.
Then she found the shorts. They were tiny, a mere scrap of grey cotton. She pulled them on, the hem riding high on her thighs. The feeling was liberating and unnerving. She looked in the mirror. The woman staring back was all long, pale legs and loose, careless hair. The shape of her breasts was clearly visible under the thin cotton of the shirt, nipples pressing against the fabric.
She walked back into the living room. Lili was scrolling on her phone, but she looked up as Paula entered. Her eyebrows shot up. “Well, hello. Someone’s getting comfortable.”
“Is it too much?” Paula asked, suddenly self-conscious, crossing her arms over her chest.
“It’s perfect,” Lili said, her smile genuine. “You look amazing. Relaxed. And fucking hot, for the record.”
The doorbell chimed, a sharp, electronic trill that cut through the room. “Food’s here!” Lili sang, not moving from the couch. “You get it. I’ll find cash.”
Paula padded barefoot to the door. She unlocked it and pulled it open.
The delivery guy was young, maybe nineteen, holding a large insulated bag. His eyes, which had been fixed on his phone, snapped up to her. They did a quick, involuntary journey—from her face, down the length of her body, taking in the long legs, the shorts, the unmistakable outline of her breasts under the t-shirt. His mouth opened slightly. He blinked, hard, as if trying to reset his vision.
“Uh,” he managed, his voice cracking. “Paula?”
“That’s me,” she said, her voice quieter than she intended.
He just stared for a beat too long, the thermal bag hanging forgotten in his hand. The silence stretched, awkward and thick. “Right. Yeah. That’ll be… thirty-eight fifty.” He finally fumbled to unzip the bag, his movements clumsy.
Paula took the boxes, the warmth seeping into her hands. Lili appeared beside her, smoothly handing over the cash. “Keep the change,” she said, her voice bright and knowing.
The guy mumbled a thanks, his eyes darting to Paula one last time before he practically fled down the hallway.
Paula closed the door, the heavy click echoing in the sudden quiet. She turned around, the pizza boxes held in front of her like a shield.
Lili was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, a slow, wicked grin spreading across her face. Her eyes sparkled with pure, unadulterated mischief.
“So,” Lili drawled, dragging the word out. “You just broke that poor kid’s brain.”
Paula felt a flush creep up her neck. “What? No, I didn’t.”
“Oh, you absolutely did.” Lili pushed off the doorframe and took the pizza boxes, setting them on the kitchen island. “He short-circuited. Full system failure. I thought he was going to forget how to speak.”
“He was just… surprised.” Paula hugged herself again, the phantom of his stunned gaze still on her skin.
“Surprised? Honey, he looked like he’d just seen a celestial being descend from the heavens to deliver his pepperoni and extra cheese.” Lili laughed, a rich, infectious sound. “He was mesmerized. You could have asked for his firstborn child and he would have handed it over.”
Paula shook her head, but a small, unexpected smile tugged at her lips. It wasn’t the predatory leer from the sauna. This was different. This was… power. A faint, confusing buzz of it. “Stop it.”
“I will not stop.” Lili opened a box, the scent of garlic and cheese filling the air. “He’s probably down in his car right now, hyperventilating, telling his friends he met a goddess who wears micro shorts and answers doors for pizza. You’re his core memory now.”
She grabbed a slice of pizza, the cheese stretching. “Admit it. For a second, before the awkwardness set in, it felt kind of good, didn’t it? Knowing you had that effect?”
Paula looked away, toward the city lights. The memory of the kid’s stunned face superimposed itself over the reflection of the sauna men. One was fear, the other was… something else. Something she couldn’t name yet. She picked up a garlic knot, its buttery warmth a comfort in her hand.
She didn’t answer Lili. She didn’t have to. The new, quiet hum in her veins was answer enough.
The new, quiet hum in her veins was answer enough.
Lili watched her, that knowing grin still playing on her lips. “See?” she said, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. “That little buzz? That’s the power. And you’ve barely tapped into it.”
Paula focused on her pizza, the grease soaking into the cardboard. “It was just a kid getting flustered.”
“It’s a preview.” Lili moved closer, her hip brushing against Paula’s as they stood at the island. “Imagine what happens when you actually try. When you walk into a room and you decide you want one of them. Any of them. You could point at a guy across a bar, any guy, and he’d follow you to the bathroom like a lost puppy. You wouldn’t even have to say please.”
Paula shook her head, a loose red curl falling across her face. “I don’t want a lost puppy.”
“Then don’t get a puppy.” Lili’s voice was a low, insistent thrum. “Get a fucking wolf. The point is, you choose. That’s what this is. That body is a key that opens every door. It’s a superpower Max never could have coded.”
The name—Max—hung in the air between them, a ghost at the feast. Paula flinched.
“Don’t,” she whispered.
“Why not?” Lili pressed, relentless. “He’s gone. But look what he left you. This incredible, sensitive machine.” Her hand landed on Paula’s hip, fingers splaying possessively. “You think getting stared at is something? Wait until you learn what it’s like to be wanted. To feel a man’s hands on you, to feel him get hard just from kissing you.”
Paula’s breath hitched. The memory of her own frantic exploration in the morning was one thing. This was different. This was Lili painting a picture with words, and the image was terrifyingly vivid.
“It’s a different world,” Lili murmured, her mouth close to Paula’s ear. “Everything is more intense. The ache is deeper. The release… god, it’s like your whole body shatters. And when a man fucks you, when you feel him push inside, that first thick stretch…”
She trailed off, letting the silence fill with implication. Paula could feel a corresponding heat pooling low in her own belly, a treacherous echo of Lili’s description.
“You have no idea what you’re missing,” Lili breathed. “The feeling of being full. Of having a cock buried deep inside you, hitting a spot that makes you see stars. It’s the most primal fucking thing in the world.”
Paula’s heart was a frantic drum against her ribs. She felt dizzy, the pizza forgotten. Lili’s words were a key, unlocking a door to a dark, hungry part of this new body she’d been too afraid to acknowledge.
“It’s… a lot,” Paula managed, her voice thin.
“It’s everything,” Lili corrected. Her eyes were dark pools of intent. “And you don’t need some random guy to show you. You don’t need to deal with his awkwardness or his ego.” A slow, predatory smile spread across her face. “I bought you something. A welcome-to-the-club gift.”
She disappeared into her room for a moment, returning with a small, discreet black box. She placed it on the counter between them.
Paula stared at it. She knew, with a cold, certain dread, what was inside.
“Go on,” Lili urged, her tone leaving no room for refusal. “Open it.”
With trembling fingers, Paula lifted the lid. Nestled in black satin was a silicone cock, a pale, fleshy pink, unnervingly realistic in its shape and veined detail. It was larger than she’d imagined, thick and intimidating. A small, separate bullet vibrator lay beside it.
“Oh, god,” Paula whispered, her face flushing hot.
“See?” Lili said softly, picking up the toy, her fingers wrapping around its base. “Now you can know what it feels like. Without any of the bullshit. I can show you.”
Paula’s mind screamed a dozen protests, but her body had gone quiet, watching, waiting. The hum in her veins had become a throbbing pulse between her legs. Lili’s plan, from the gym to the sauna to now, clicked into place with terrifying clarity. This had been the destination all along.
“You planned this,” Paula said, her voice hollow.
“I’m giving you a gift you’re too scared to give yourself.” Lili’s gaze was unwavering. “Do you want to know, Paula? Or do you want to keep hiding?”
The question hung in the air, a definitive line. Paula looked from Lili’s confident face to the object in her hand, a symbol of everything she’d lost and everything she’d been forced to become. The code, the servers, the ghost of Max—it all felt a million miles away. There was only this room, this woman, and this terrifying, undeniable curiosity.
She gave a single, sharp nod.
Lili’s smile was triumphant. She took Paula’s hand, leading her from the clinical brightness of the kitchen into the soft, shadowed intimacy of the bedroom. The city lights painted shifting patterns on the walls. Lili didn’t speak. Her movements were sure and deliberate as she guided Paula to sit on the edge of the bed.
She knelt on the floor between Paula’s legs, pushing the tiny grey shorts up her thighs. “Just feel,” she murmured, her breath warm against Paula’s knee.
Lili’s thumbs hooked into the waistband of Paula’s panties, dragging them down her legs. The cool air hit her exposed skin, and she shuddered. Lili looked up, her eyes locking with Paula’s as she slowly spread her legs wider.
“So pretty,” Lili whispered, her gaze dropping to the thatch of red curls, already glistening with moisture. “And so ready for this.”
She reached for the toy, squeezing a generous amount of clear lubricant onto the tip. The sound of the bottle snapping shut was obscenely loud. Paula watched, mesmerized and horrified, as Lili smoothed the lube over the silicone shaft, making it shine in the dim light.
“Relax,” Lili cooed, her free hand stroking Paula’s inner thigh. “This is just for you. To make you feel good.”
The cool, slick tip of the dildo pressed against her entrance. Paula gasped, her fingers clutching at the duvet. Her body was tense, a rigid line of resistance.
“Breathe, baby,” Lili instructed, her voice low and steady. “Let it in.”
She pushed, just an inch. There was a moment of tight, burning pressure, a foreign fullness that made Paula’s eyes widen. She whimpered, a small, trapped sound.
Lili held still, her other hand moving to circle Paula’s clit with a firm, practiced touch. “That’s it. Just the head. Feel how full that is?”
Paula could only nod, her breath coming in shallow pants. The initial shock began to recede, replaced by a strange, mounting awareness of the intrusion. It was inside her. Stretching her.
Then Lili pushed deeper.
A choked cry tore from Paula’s throat as the thick length of the toy slid into her, a slow, inexorable invasion. It was too much. It was everywhere, filling a hollow ache she hadn’t fully acknowledged until this moment. Her back arched, her hips lifting off the bed.
“Fuck, you’re tight,” Lili breathed, her own arousal evident in her husky tone. She pushed until the entire length was buried, the base pressed firmly against Paula’s flesh. “There. Now you know. That’s what it feels like.”
She began to move, a slow, dragging pull followed by a hard, penetrating thrust. Paula cried out, the sensation overwhelming every one of her senses. It was a brutal, mechanical fucking, devoid of any pretence of romance. It was raw and clinical and devastatingly effective.
“You like that, don’t you?” Lili grunted, picking up the pace. The wet, slapping sound of silicone against flesh filled the room. “You like being stuffed full of cock.”
“I… I don’t…” Paula’s words dissolved into a moan as Lili angled the toy, hitting a spot deep inside her that sent a lightning bolt of pleasure straight to her brain.
“You do,” Lili insisted, her rhythm becoming faster, harder. “Your body knows. Look at you. Soaking wet. Taking every inch. This is what you were made for.”
The vulgarity of the words, combined with the relentless physical stimulation, shattered the last of Paula’s resistance. A raw, guttural sound was ripped from her chest. Her hips began to meet Lili’s thrusts, a frantic, involuntary piston motion. She was fucking herself on the toy, chasing a release that was building into a screaming crescendo.
“That’s it, fuck yourself on it,” Lili urged, her voice rough with excitement. “Come on that fake cock. Show me how much you need it.”
The coil in Paula’s belly snapped. Her vision whited out as a cataclysmic orgasm ripped through her, violent and convulsing. She screamed, her body seizing, clamping down around the invading length as wave after wave of pleasure wracked her frame. It was a surrender, total and complete.
When the tremors finally subsided, she collapsed back onto the bed, boneless and gasping. Lili slowly, gently, withdrew the toy. The feeling of emptiness was almost as profound as the fullness had been.
Lili crawled up the bed, lying beside her, their shoulders touching. She didn’t speak for a long time, just let Paula’s breathing even out in the dark.
“See?” Lili finally whispered into the quiet. “It’s better than code.”
Paula stared at the ceiling, the phantom sensation of being filled still echoing inside her. The hum of power was gone, replaced by a deep, resonant quiet. The last vestiges of Max, the drive to fix things, to solve the puzzle, felt like a dream from someone else’s life.
She was Paula. This was her body. This was her reality.
And for the first time, the thought didn’t fill her with terror. It felt, terrifyingly, like a beginning.