Chapter 5: Resolution
He saw Gunwook and Matthew arrived at the coffee shop at the same time, both looking tense and unsure. They nodded at each other in greeting, and Matthew gestured for Gunwook to lead the way to a table.
As they sat down, a server approached them, but they both waved her away, neither feeling much like small talk. An awkward silence settled between them, and Matthew fidgeted with the sugar packets on the table, trying to gather his thoughts.
Gunwook broke the silence first, his voice barely above a whisper. He said “I know you hate me so much right now, but I can assure you it’s not Jiwoong’s fault.” Matthew looked up sharply, his eyes narrowing as he stared at Gunwook. “What do you mean? Of course, it’s his fault. He cheated on me, Gunwook. There’s no way around that.” Gunwook shook his head, his expression serious. “I mean, he didn’t cheat on you, Matthew. He was drunk, and I took advantage of him. I kissed him first, and he pushed me away. I should have stopped, but I didn’t. It was all my fault.” Matthew stared at Gunwook, shock and disbelief written all over his face.
He had been so sure that Jiwoong had initiated the encounter, that he had chosen to betray Matthew in a moment of weakness. But now, hearing Gunwook's confession, he wasn't so sure.
"I don't understand," Matthew said, his voice barely above a whisper. "Why would you do that? Why would you ruin our friendship, the ZB1 band, for a moment of...of what? Lust?"
Gunwook looked down at the table, unable to meet Matthew's gaze. I truly am. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. He hesitated but said “The truth is… I liked both of you.” When we were trainees at the wake company, I always see you as this energetic and cute “dongsae” who wears this cute little gray hoodie. The way you were so focused on improving your dancing and singing skills were amazing to me. However, you flew back to Canada too soon. I just wanted to approach you and become friends with you but at that time I was so insecure and shy I didn't know how to be with you.” Matthew felt a pang of sympathy for Gunwook, but he also felt a surge of anger. He couldn't believe that Gunwook had harbored feelings for him all this time and had never said anything. It was a confusing and complicated situation, and Matthew wasn't sure how to feel about it.
Gunwook continued, "And then Jiwoong came along. He was so confident and charismatic, everything I wasn't. I admired him, and we became close friends.
I saw how he looked at you, Matthew, and I knew he had feelings for you. I tried to ignore my own feelings, but they only grew stronger. When you left for Canada, I felt a void in my life, and Jiwoong was there to fill it. But I never stopped thinking about you, or wanting you. And when I saw an opportunity to be with you both, in a way, I took it. I regret it deeply, and I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you both."
Matthew sat back in his chair, absorbing Gunwook's words.
He felt a whirlwind of emotions - anger, betrayal, confusion, and even a twinge of sympathy for Gunwook. He had always seen Gunwook as a nice trainee, but never as someone with feelings for him. And Jiwoong... Matthew's heart ached at the thought of him. He had been so sure that Jiwoong had initiated the encounter, but now he wasn't so certain.
"Did Jiwoong really push you away?" Matthew asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Gunwook nodded, looking up at Matthew with tears in his eyes.
"Yes, he did. He was so drunk, he barely knew what was happening. I should have stopped, but I was jealous, Matthew. I was jealous of the way he looked at you, the way you two were together. I wanted that, and I let my jealousy cloud my judgment."
Matthew took a deep breath, trying to process everything Gunwook had just confessed. He had always considered Gunwook a friend, a brother even, and hearing that he had harbored feelings for him and acted on them in such a destructive way was difficult to comprehend.
Matthew sighed, rubbing his temples as he tried to make sense of it all.
"Gunwook, I appreciate you finally telling me the truth," Matthew started, his voice low and measured. "But I need some time to process this. It's a lot to take in."
Gunwook nodded, looking down at his hands again. Take all the time you need. I just hope that one day you can forgive me."
Matthew didn't respond, instead signaling the server for the check. They paid and left the coffee shop in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.
As they stepped out onto the bustling street, Matthew turned to Gunwook.
"I need some space right now," he said, his voice firm yet gentle. "I can't just forget what happened, and I need time to figure out how I feel about all this."
Gunwook nodded, understanding etched on his face. "I get it, Matthew. I'll be here if you want to talk. Please forgive Jiwoong. I’m not sure he is in the right mental condition right now so he needs your help as soon as possible.” Matthew’s heart skipped a beat as he realized the gravity of the situation. He quickly agreed to meet Gunwook at Jiwoong’s apartment.
The ride there was tense, with neither of them speaking much. Matthew couldn’t stop thinking about Jiwoong, and the state he might be in. When they arrived, Gunwook led him inside, the apartment eerily quiet.
“Jiwoong?” Gunwook called out, breaking the silence. No response. They checked the living room, kitchen, and finally, the bedroom. Jiwoong was there, curled up on the bed, fast asleep.
Or so it seemed. As they approached, Matthew noticed the empty bottles of soju scattered around the room. He also saw the tear-stained pillow and Jiwoong's pale complexion.
"He's been like this for days," Gunwook whispered, concern etched on his face. "I've tried to get him to eat, to talk, but he just shuts down."
Matthew nodded, understanding the gravity of the situation. He knew Jiwoong was hurting, but he hadn't realized the extent of it. He sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at Jiwoong's sleeping form.
Even in his current state, Jiwoong was beautiful. His long lashes cast shadows on his high cheekbones, and his full lips were slightly parted. Matthew felt a pang of longing, but he pushed it aside. He needed to focus on helping Jiwoong, not dwelling on their past.
"Jiwoong," Matthew said softly, brushing a strand of hair off Jiwoong's forehead. "Wake up, love."
Jiwoong stirred, his eyes fluttering open. He looked up at Matthew, confusion and pain warring in his gaze.
"Matthew," he whispered, his voice hoarse from disuse. "You're here."
Matthew nodded, offering him a small smile. "I'm here, Jiwoong. And I'm not leaving until I know you're okay."
Jiwoong searched Matthew's face, looking for any sign of anger or resentment. Finding none, he let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes briefly. "I'm so sorry, Matthew. I never meant for any of this to happen."
Matthew placed a comforting hand on Jiwoong's shoulder. "I know, Jiwoong. Gunwook told me everything.
I can't believe he kept this inside him for so long. I always thought he was just a shy and quiet guy, but he's been harboring these feelings all this time. And Jiwoong... I never thought he would push Gunwook away. I guess I was wrong about him too," Matthew said, looking out the window of Jiwoong's apartment, his reflection staring back at him.
Gunwook, sitting on the couch, looked down at his hands. "I should have told you sooner.
I should have been honest with you from the start," Jiwoong said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I was so scared, Matthew. Scared of what people would think, scared of losing you."
Matthew sighed, rubbing his temples. "I understand, Jiwoong. I do. But you should have trusted me. We could have figured something out together."
Jiwoong nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. "I know. I was just so confused, and Gunwook... he took advantage of that."
Matthew looked at Jiwoong, his expression softening.
He knew Jiwoong was hurting, and he couldn't stay mad at him, not when he was like this. He reached out, taking Jiwoong's hand in his own. It was cold and limp, and Matthew squeezed it gently, trying to warm it up.
"You're freezing, love," Matthew murmured, his eyes meeting Jiwoong's. "Let's get you under the covers."
Jiwoong nodded weakly, allowing Matthew to help him sit up. Together, they maneuvered him under the comforter, and Matthew tucked him in, much like he would a child.
Jiwoong watched him, his eyes filled with unshed tears and unspoken words. Matthew, sensing his turmoil, sat down on the edge of the bed, facing him.
"Talk to me, Jiwoong," he said softly, his thumb brushing away a stray tear that had escaped and rolled down Jiwoong's cheek. "Tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling."
Jiwoong took a deep, shuddering breath before speaking. "I'm scared, Matthew. Scared that you'll never forgive me, that you'll never look at me the same way again.
Scared that I've ruined everything - our friendship, ZB1, us." His voice caught on the last word, and he looked down, unable to meet Matthew's gaze.
Matthew's heart ached at the vulnerability in Jiwoong's voice. He cupped Jiwoong's chin, gently lifting his face until their eyes met. "Look at me, Jiwoong," he said, his voice firm yet gentle. "I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through this together."
Jiwoong searched Matthew's face, looking for any sign of deception.
But all he found was sincerity and concern. He let out a shaky breath, some of the tension leaving his shoulders.
"Together, huh?" he whispered, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.
Matthew nodded, smiling back. "Together. And that means we need to talk. Really talk."
Jiwoong sighed, leaning back against the pillows. I just... I don't know where to start."
Matthew thought for a moment before speaking. "How about you start by telling me what happened that night? From your perspective."
Jiwoong hesitated, memories of that night flooding back. He knows it was morally wrong for him to think about kissing Matthew but it’s been months. He’s been thinking about Matthew every single day since they separated. He’s been waiting for some signs from Matthew, but nothing happened. He doesn’t know whether Matthew still loves him or not. He is afraid that Matthew might have forgotten him already. He was the one who pushed Matthew away and now he is regretting about it. He wishes he could tell Matthew the truth about what happened that night but he is scared that Matthew will hate him. He wants to tell Matthew that he was drunk and Gunwook took advantage of him. He wants to tell Matthew that he didn’t mean to hurt him and that he still loves him.
He wants to beg Matthew to forgive him and give him another chance. But he is scared that Matthew might not feel the same way anymore. He knows that he has done something unforgivable and he is living with the guilt every single day.
Jiwoong took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to reveal. "That night, I had been drinking. A lot. I was upset, confused, and I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. Gunwook was there, and he saw an opportunity. He kissed me, and I... I panicked.
I tried to push him away, but I was so drunk, my limbs felt heavy and sluggish. I mumbled something, I don't even remember what, and then... then I passed out." Jiwoong's voice cracked, and he looked down, unable to meet Matthew's gaze. "I woke up the next morning, alone in my bed, with no memory of what had happened. It wasn't until Gunwook told me that I realized... that I realized he had taken advantage of me."
Matthew listened intently, his expression unreadable.
Jiwoong's heart pounded in his chest as he waited for Matthew's reaction. He braced himself for anger, for disgust, for anything but the soft sigh that escaped Matthew's lips.
"Jiwoong," Matthew said, his voice gentle yet firm. "Look at me."
Jiwoong hesitantly met Matthew's gaze, finding only concern and understanding reflected back at him.
"I believe you," Matthew said, his thumb brushing away a stray tear that had escaped Jiwoong's eye.
"I believe that you didn't mean for any of this to happen."
Jiwoong let out a shaky breath, relief washing over him. "You do?"
Matthew nodded, his expression serious. "Yes, I do. I know you, Jiwoong. I know your heart, and I know that you would never intentionally hurt me like this."
Jiwoong felt a warmth spread through him at Matthew's words. He had been so scared, so sure that Matthew would never forgive him. But here he was, offering him understanding and kindness.
"But, Jiwoong," Matthew continued, his voice firming.
"You need to understand that what happened that night was not just Gunwook's fault. You made a choice too, even if you were drunk. And I need to know that you understand that, that you take responsibility for your actions."
Jiwoong nodded, tears shining in his eyes. "I do, Matthew. I take full responsibility for what happened that night. Silence filled the air and the gaze that they exchanged right now was different from their previous situation. It was a gaze full or regret, anger and anxiousness. Matthew exited the apartment and did not want to stay a second longer and look at Jiwoong's face.
He descended to the parking lot and started the car.
He couldn't think straight anymore, and his mind was filled with confusing thoughts and emotions. He had always thought that Jiwoong was innocent and pure, but now he wasn't so sure anymore.
Gunwook had taken advantage of him, but Jiwoong had let it happen. He understood that Jiwoong was drunk and didn't know what was happening, but still, he felt betrayed.
He drove to a nearby hotel and checked in, his mind still reeling.
He wanted to forget about everything and just feel something, anything, other than the pain that was consuming him. He called room service and ordered a bottle of whiskey, hoping it would help numb the ache that had taken over his heart.
The elevator dinged as it opened to his floor, and he stepped out, the bottle of whiskey in hand. He fumbled with the key card for a moment before getting it to work, and then pushed the door open, stepping inside. He set the bottle down on the table by the window and collapsed onto the bed, his mind still racing.
He couldn't shake the thought of Jiwoong, of the way he looked as he confessed his indiscretions to Matthew. It was like a wound, one that stung every time he thought about it.
Matthew was frustrated, a mix of anger and sexual desire was building up in him. He needed to let it out, to forget about everything for just a moment.
He stared at the whiskey bottle, its contents beckoning to him. But the idea of drowning himself in alcohol was unappealing. No, what he needed was something else entirely.
He stood up from the bed, grabbing the whiskey bottle on his way to the bathroom. He turned on the shower, letting it heat up as he stripped off his clothes. The cold air hit him, making him shiver, but it was nothing compared to the coldness that had settled in his heart.
He stepped under the hot water, letting it wash over him, the heat soothing his tense muscles. He tipped the whiskey bottle back, taking a long swallow. The alcohol burned all the way down, warming him from the inside out.
Matthew opened the whiskey bottle again and took another swig, savoring the burning sensation. He needed this release, this distraction from the ache in his heart.
He stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist and grabbing the whiskey bottle again. He sat on the edge of the bed, taking another drink, his mind wandering to Jiwoong.
He had always admired Jiwoong's innocence, his purity. And now, he realized that he had let that innocence go, let himself stray from the path. He felt guilty, ashamed.