Cover of haha funy segs pt.4

haha funy segs pt.4

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ha ha ha again!

Chapter 2: 1.1.2

The headache was a distant, phantom thing—a faint pressure behind his eyes that his body had already decided wasn’t worth the energy to fully fix. Koen stared at the water stain on Gabriel’s office ceiling, the same one he’d studied weeks ago after the trollkin fight. His body was sprawled in the worn armchair, boots off, feeling utterly and profoundly sorry for itself.

Across the room, Gabriel was a portrait of focus. Ledgers and broadsheets were spread across his desk, the green-shaded lamp painting his hands in pale light as his pen scratched quick, efficient notes. The quiet was a living thing, broken only by the rustle of paper and the occasional, soft clink of his whiskey glass being set down.

Koen’s stomach gave a treacherous rumble. “I think I’m dying,” he announced to the ceiling.

“You’re not. Your liver processed the last of the neuro-inhibitors four hours ago. The malaise is psychosomatic. Your pride is bruised.” Gabriel didn’t look up.

“My everything is bruised.”

That got a glance. A brief, unreadable flick of dark eyes. “A consequence you earned.” He returned to his papers. “The talk about liabilities and biodynamic agents will commence when you stop pouting.”

Koen sank deeper into the chair. He remembered the wall, the pain, the shocking possessiveness. The terrifying vulnerability of his own turned-off brain. He remembered the gentleness after. The rules. He understood the rules. He just wished understanding didn’t come with such a thorough… demonstration.

Gabriel set his pen down with a final click. The sound made Koen look over.

“We have an opportunity,” Gabriel said, leaning back. He plucked a folded, thick parchment from the desk. It was sealed with crimson wax, stamped with an insignia Koen didn’t recognize: a stylized tower wrapped in chains. “The Grand Spectrum Melee. In the capital.”

Koen just blinked. Capital meant politics, noise, and people who used words like ‘socio-economic impact.’ He hated the capital.

“It’s a tournament,” Gabriel continued, seeing his lack of comprehension. “The Chancellor’s office is funding it. A showcase of ‘combative biodiversity.’ They want every recognized fighting species, lineage, and magical discipline represented. Gladiatorial spectacle for the glitterati, wrapped in a banner of unity and progress.” His voice was flat, analytically dissecting the hype. “The purse is… substantial. Life-changing. More importantly, the visibility is absolute. The radio networks will broadcast it. National broadsheets.”

Koen’s interest, sluggish from his faux-hangover, began to stir. A real tournament. Big stakes. A fight that wasn’t in a basement stinking of ozone and blood. “So I fight. I win. We get paid.” It sounded simple.

“You fight. You perform.” Gabriel unfolded the parchment, sliding it across the desk. “There are rules. Theatricality is scored alongside victory. They want a show. But that’s not the primary complication.”

Koen stood, padding over in his socks to look at the document. The script was flowing, officious. His eyes snagged on a subsection titled ‘Participant Classification & Public Relations.’ He struggled with the dense language.

Gabriel’s finger tapped a specific line. “It says ‘cultural sensitivity advisements will be provided for non-standard entrants to ensure spectator comfort and narrative cohesion.’”

Koen frowned. “What’s that mean?”

“It means,” Gabriel said, his voice dropping into that quiet, dangerous register he used for contract negotiations with sharp-toothed clients, “that in the mainstream, outside of our lovely little hellhole here, infernals are not looked upon favorably. Half-demons even less so. You’re a novelty in the pits. In the capital, to the good, shining citizens of the Republic, you’re a political statement. Or a problem.”

The words sank in, slow and cold. Koen was used to sneers in alleyways, to humans crossing the street. He was used to the hungry, fetishizing looks in the club. This felt different. This was paperwork and polite language carving him into a category.

“They think I’m a monster,” Koen said, not as a question.

“They know you’re a monster. The Melee is about putting monsters in a sanctioned box for their entertainment. The ‘narrative cohesion’ likely involves them framing you in a certain light. The redeemed savage. The controlled threat.” Gabriel’s gaze was sharp. “They will try to make you into a story. Our job is to ensure it’s a winning story. On our terms.”

Koen looked away from the document, out the grimy window to the brick wall of the adjacent building. He used to hunt bounties. He had a price on his head once, too, when the laws changed and they decided his kind couldn’t be trusted with licensed violence anymore. Gabriel had smoothed that over, turned him from an outlaw into a spectacle. Now the spectacle was moving to a bigger stage.

“What do I have to do?” he asked, his voice quiet.

“You fight as you always fight. But you smile for the cameras. You give bland, non-committal answers in interviews. You follow my lead in all promotional events.” Gabriel stood, coming around the desk. He stopped in front of Koen, closer than professional. “You will hear things. From officials, from commentators, probably from other fighters. They will call you ‘beast’ or ‘creature.’ They will make jokes about your heritage. Your intelligence. Your freckles.” A muscle in Gabriel’s jaw tightened. “You will not react. You will not flare up. You will look at them with those remarkable orange eyes, and you will give them nothing. Because every twitch will be a headline. Every snarl will be proof of their bias.”

Koen’s gut churned. Fighting he understood. This was a different kind of battle, one with rules he couldn’t see and weapons he didn’t know how to hold. “I’m not good at that. The not reacting.”

“I know.” Gabriel’s hand came up, not to touch his face, but to straighten the collar of Koen’s rumpled shirt, a gesture that could be seen as managerial from the doorway. His fingers lingered for a heartbeat on the leather. “Which is why you will be glued to my side. I will do the talking. You will be the silent, impressive thing beside me. In the ring, you can speak their language. Outside of it, you are mine to manage. Understood?”

The word ‘mine’ didn’t sound like possession this time. It sounded like a shield. Koen met his eyes, seeing the cold, protective strategy there. He nodded.

“Good.” Gabriel released his collar. “We leave in three days. There are preliminaries, a seeding bracket. I’ve already secured our lodging. Discreet.”

“Are you going to tell me not to drink anything there, too?” Koen asked, a feeble attempt at levity.

A ghost of a smile touched Gabriel’s lips. “The capital’s poisons are more sophisticated. They come in crystal glasses and with charming smiles. So, yes. Consider it a standing order.” He returned to the desk, gathering the papers. “Go home. Pack. Train light. The journey is long, and your first bout will be five days after we arrive. You’ll need to be acclimated to the arena. It’s… ornate.”

Koen pulled his boots on, the familiar routine grounding. As he laced them, he watched Gabriel work, the sure movements of his hands, the absolute focus. A knot of anxiety tightened in his chest, unfamiliar and cold.

“Gabriel?”

“Hmm?”

“What if…” Koen struggled to form the worry. “What if I win the whole thing, and they still just see a monster?”

Gabriel looked up. The lamplight caught the fine lines at the corners of his eyes, the weary intelligence. For a moment, the agent’s mask slipped, and Koen saw the man who’d pinned him to a brick wall for letting his guard down.

“Let them see whatever they want,” Gabriel said, his voice low and certain. “They’ll see a monster holding their trophy. They’ll see a monster bank their cheque. The story they tell themselves is their business. The result will be ours.”

He held Koen’s gaze until the knot in Koen’s chest loosened, not gone, but manageable. It was enough. It had to be.

Koen stood, gave a last nod, and slipped out of the office. The club’s noises felt louder, more trivial. The capital awaited, a gilded cage full of judging eyes and pretty poison. He walked down the dim hall, his mind already turning from the lingering shame of the drink to the sharp, clean focus of a fight on the horizon. He would fight. He would win. And Gabriel would be there, a suit of armor in a three-piece suit, turning their biases into leverage.

Outside, the city night was cold. Koen tipped his face up, the orange glow of his eyes reflecting the distant, blurry neon. He wasn’t good with words or politics. But he knew violence, its language and its price. They wanted a show? He’d give them a spectacle they’d never forget. Let them whisper. Let them point. He’d let his fists do all the talking they’d understand.

The train to the capital smelled of industrial cleaner and other people’s perfume, a cloying scent that stuck in Koen’s throat. He spent the journey pressed against the window, watching the soot-stained cityscapes give way to sprawling, manicured farmland, then to the impossible, gleaming spires of the capital itself. It was all sharp edges and reflective surfaces, a world built to blind. Gabriel, immaculate beside him, worked through a sheaf of documents, his presence a quiet anchor in the unsettling glare.

“Remember,” Gabriel said without looking up as the train hissed to a stop in a vaulted station of marble and echoing noise. “Smile. Nod. Follow.”

The city was a pressurized hum of electric trolleys and chattering crowds. Their lodgings were in a quiet, unassuming district, the room plain but clean. Gabriel called it ‘tactically anonymous.’ Koen just called it boring. He trained in a small, rented gymnasium, his punches sounding lonely in the empty space. The food was bland. The air was thin. He missed the familiar stench of blood and ozone.

On the morning of the preliminaries, Gabriel laid out clothes on the bed: dark trousers, a simple, high-collared shirt, no leathers. “Image,” he stated, seeing Koen’s frown. “Approachable. Contained.”

“I feel like a waiter,” Koen grumbled, pulling the shirt on.

“You look like a disciplined athlete. That’s the point.” Gabriel stepped close, his fingers making a minute adjustment to the collar. His touch was brief, electric. “They will try to provoke you today. The officials, the press, the other entrants. They have assumptions. Your job is to baffle them by simply existing outside of their script.”

The Grand Spectrum Arena was a colossal bowl of pale stone, festooned with banners and swarming with people. It wasn't like the basement. Here, the light was unforgiving, broadcast-quality hex-lamps banishing every shadow. The noise was a polished roar, mediated by announcers on crackling loudspeakers. The scent was of popcorn, sweat, and anticipation filtered through cheap cologne. Koen felt immediately, viscerally exposed.

He walked into the holding area where the other fighters were being processed, Gabriel a half-step behind. The space was a stark, white-walled chamber buzzing with tension and the raw physicality of a dozen different species. A minotaur snorted steam. An elf with crystalline skin shimmered under the lights. A human woman crackled with barely-contained static.

An official in a crisp, military-cut uniform glanced at his entry papers, then up at his face, his orange eyes, his freckles, the subtle points of his ears. His lip curled, just a millimeter. “Delano. Infernal-adjacent. Bracket seven. Processing is down the hall to the left. Try not to scuff the floors.”

Koen, remembering Gabriel’s instruction to be baffling, gave a slow, genuine blink. “Okay,” he said, his tone utterly flat. He turned and walked exactly where the man pointed.

The official stared after him, the prepared, dismissive sneer dying unfulfilled.

The processing line was long. A commentator for a radio network, a man with slicked-back hair and a voracious smile, shoved a microphone toward Koen’s face. “Koen Delano! Half-demon from the gritty pit-fighting circuit! How does it feel to be thrust into the light of legitimate sport? Do you think your… heritage… gives you an unfair advantage?”

Koen considered the question. “No…?” Why would his heritage specifically be an advantage?

The commentator’s smile tightened. “I see. Not much for words, are you? More of a primal force, eh?” He leaned in, voice dropping to a stage whisper. “Tell our listeners, do the whispers of your ancestry ever… distract you in the ring?”

Koen’s brow furrowed slightly. He didn’t hear whispers in the ring. He heard breathing, footfalls, the shift of muscle. “Whispers? Do you hear whispers?”

The commentator blinked, his microphone dipping slightly. “I… it’s a figure of speech. Never mind.” He turned abruptly to a more chatty earth-elementalist, clearly relieved.

Koen shrugged and kept moving in the line. Gabriel, observing from a designated handler’s area behind a rope barrier, allowed himself a thin, private smile. It was working. Koen’s profound, unfeigned literalness was a social kink the polished capital machinery didn’t know how to process.

A fight coordinator, a woman with a clipboard and a permanently harried expression, grabbed his arm as he was herded toward the medical inspection station. Her grip was tight, impersonal. “In here, you. Let’s get your vitals. Try to keep the demonic fluctuations to a minimum for the scanners, please. We’ve had issues with your… type.”

Koen looked at her hand on his bicep, then at her face. “I don’t fluctuate,” he said, honestly perplexed. His energy signatures were as stable as a rock. He’d been tested before.

She sighed as if he were being deliberately obtuse. “Just get on the scale.”

The medical inspection was a barrage of flashing lights and humming crystals. A technician in a white coat eyed a diagnostic sphere filling with smoky orange data. “Aggression markers are elevated. Par for the course, I suppose. Psi-dampening is recommended for safe handling during the bouts.”

“Psi-dampening?” Koen asked, turning his head. The sensor whirred.

“To curb any innate telepathic influencing or fear projection,” the technician droned, making a note.

“I can’t do that.”

“Of course you’d say that. Regulation 7-C states all infernal-adjacent participants must submit. For fairness.”

Koen just stared, his orange eyes blank. He couldn’t project telepathic fear any more than he could fly. The notion was silly. “You don’t test for it?”

The technician paused, stylus hovering over his crystal tablet. He blinked behind his spectacles. "Test for it? It's a standard regulatory assumption for your phylogenetic bracket."

"Oh," Koen said. He thought about it. "But if you don't test, how do you know who can actually do it? Seems like a waste of a dampener."

The man’s professional detachment showed its first crack, a tiny twitch under his eye. "The assumption is based on historical precedent and risk mitigation. Please hold still."

Koen held still. He didn’t fluctuate. The scanner beeped, showing steady, vibrant bio-signatures that were, if anything, remarkably stable. The technician stared at the results, then at Koen’s placid face, and scowled as if the machine were broken. "Proceed to the holding pen for Bracket Seven."

The holding pen was a cordoned-off section of polished limestone floor, open to the groans and cheers of the distant crowd. Other fighters milled about, stretching, casting sizing-up glances. A sleek water-fey with cobalt skin and webbed hands eyed Koen from across the space. "They let the gutter-demons in for color, I see," he said to his companion, a hulking stone-warden. "Pity. It dulls the sheen of real competition."

Koen heard him. He looked over, his gaze traveling from the fey’s pointed chin to the warden’s granite fists. "The sheen?" he asked, genuinely curious. "Do you polish? What do you use?"

The water-fey’s superior smirk froze. "It's an expression, you provincial thug."

"Oh," Koen said. He nodded, filing the information away. Capital expressions were weird. He went back to rolling his shoulders, feeling the familiar pull of muscle and sinew, listening to the cadence of the fights already underway in the center of the vast floor. The noise was different here—less intimate roar, more echoing, orchestrated applause.

An arena attendant in a bright blazer scurried up, clutching a clipboard. "Delano. You're up next. Opponent is Garruth, a granite-back troll. No killing blows. Acknowledge the referee's signal. Display good sportsmanship." He rattled off the rules without looking up. "Try to make it entertaining. The audience likes a little flash."

"Entertaining how?" Koen asked.

The attendant finally looked at him, exasperation plain. "Just… move around. Let him chase you a bit. Build suspense."

"He's a troll," Koen stated, as if explaining that water was wet. "If he chases me, I'll just get behind him. Their pivot is bad on the left rear leg."

The attendant stared, mouth slightly open. He shook his head and walked away, muttering into his lapel microphone. "Bracket Seven, next combatants are a go. Don't expect banter."

The walk to the central combat zone was a blur of light and sound. The arena floor was impeccably clean, marked with white lines and corporate sigils. It felt sterile, wrong. Garruth was already there, seven feet of lumpy grey hide and simmering aggression. He beat his fists against his chest, a drumbeat meant to intimidate. The crowd cheered the ritual.

Koen stepped over the line. The referee, a man in black and white stripes, gave a sharp whistle and chopped his hand through the air.

Garruth charged immediately, a rumbling avalanche of malice. Koen didn't move to the side. He didn't dance. He dropped his center of gravity and met the charge head-on, not with a block, but with a perfectly timed, upward driving palm strike that connected under the troll's descending jaw.

The crack was wet and final, echoing in the sudden lull of the crowd. Garruth’s head snapped back. His eyes rolled white. His momentum carried him forward two more stumbling steps before his knees buckled and he collapsed face-down on the pristine stone, a pool of dark blood already spreading from his mouth.

The clock hadn't even ticked past five seconds.

The silence was absolute, then fractured into a confused mixture of gasps and scattered, uncertain applause. This wasn't entertainment. This was butchery. Efficient, unchoreographed, and utterly devoid of flash.

Koen looked down at the troll, then at the referee. "Is he done?" he asked, his voice carrying in the quiet.

The referee jerked into motion, kneeling to check. He waved frantically for the medics. He looked up at Koen, a strange mix of shock and disapproval on his face. "Victory to Delano. Knockout."

Koen nodded. He turned and walked back the way he came, his boots clicking softly on the stone. He didn't raise his arms. He didn't grin. He just exited the combat zone, leaving the medics to deal with the fallen troll and the commentators to scramble for words.

In the handlers' section, Gabriel watched, a stone statue amidst the murmuring agents. His expression gave nothing away, but his knuckles were white where they gripped the railing. It wasn't the victory. It was the sheer, unadulterated inconvenience of it. They wanted a narrative, a controllable monster putting on a show. Koen had given them a veterinary procedure.

Back in the holding pen, the other fighters looked at Koen differently now. Not with dismissive scorn, but with a new, calculating wariness. The water-fey was silent. Koen found a quiet spot near the wall and leaned against it, waiting for his next match assignment. An official with a pinched face approached, flanked by two security personnel in lightweight armor.

"Delano. That was excessively forceful. This is a showcase, not a slaughterhouse."

Koen looked at the troll being stretchered away. "He charged. I stopped him. The rules said no killing blows." He tilted his head. "Was that a killing blow? I tried not to break his neck. Just his jaw."

The official’s face flushed. "The spirit of the competition is—"

"What's the spirit?" Koen interrupted, his curiosity pure and unfiltered. "The attendant said be entertaining and let him chase me. Letting him chase me seemed stupid. Was I supposed to do something stupid?"

One of the security guards coughed, disguising a strangled sound. The official’s mouth opened and closed. He had no script for this. "Just… moderate your force in subsequent bouts. We have a diverse field. We want to see them… perform."

"Okay," Koen said, and went back to watching the next fight.

His next opponent was the stone-warden. The man was a tactician, careful, using his earthen magic to create small, shifting barriers on the floor to disrupt footing. He clearly expected a repeat of the wild charge, a brute to be tripped and pummeled.

Koen didn't charge. He walked forward, his eyes on the floor. When a spike of limestone shot up from the white lines, he simply stepped over it, as if avoiding a puddle. When the ground subtly softened into sand beneath his left foot, he shifted his weight to his right without breaking stride. He reached the warden, who was now wide-eyed, and delivered a single, piston-driven punch to his solar plexus.

The warden folded, all the air and magic rushing out of him in a pained wheeze. He dropped to his knees. Koen placed a hand on his shoulder, steadying him so he didn't face-plant. "You okay?" he asked.

The warden, gasping, could only nod. The referee called it.

Two fights. Maybe twenty seconds of total combat. No banter. No spectacle. Just a series of profound, unsettling solutions to physical problems.

The buzz in the arena was changing. The initial disapproval was morphing into a low, fascinated rumble. This wasn't the monster they expected. This was something else—an unreadable, efficient force that their jeers and categories couldn't touch. It was starting to piss people off.

Gabriel finally moved from the railing, slipping his hands into his pockets. He watched Koen walk back to the pen, oblivious to the swirling confusion he left in his wake. The agent's mind was racing, recalibrating. They couldn't provoke Koen with subtlety. They couldn't corral him with expectations. His genuine, dorkish literalism was a social shield, and his fighting was a language so blunt it rendered their narratives mute.

A tournament official with more gold braid on his shoulder approached Gabriel, his smile strained. "Your fighter is… quite something, Mr. Delano’s representative. A unique challenge for our match committee."

"Thank you," Gabriel said, his voice neutral.

"We were wondering," the official pressed, "if, for the next round, he might be encouraged to… engage the crowd a little more? Perhaps speak after his victory? Show some personality?"

Gabriel looked over at Koen, who was now sincerely asking a defeated fungaloid if its spores were an allergic reaction or a conscious defense mechanism. He turned back to the official, allowing the faintest, most diplomatic ghost of a smile to touch his lips.

"I'm afraid what you see is what you get," Gabriel said smoothly. "He's not a performer. He's a result. And I believe he's just secured his place in your next round."

He left the man standing there, moving to intercept Koen as he left the pen for the day. The preliminary bracket was won. The real scrutiny would begin now. The capital didn't know what to do with him, and that, Gabriel realized with a cold thrill, was the only advantage that mattered. They were off-script. And Koen, blissfully unaware, was already thinking about the strange, rubbery pasta they served at the lodgings.

"Did you see the way the ground moved?" Koen asked as they walked out into the service tunnels, the crowd's noise fading behind them. "That was clever. I almost slipped."

"Almost doesn't count," Gabriel said, guiding him with a light hand at the small of his back. "You did well. Confused them entirely."

Koen looked up, his orange eyes searching Gabriel's face. "They seemed kind of mad."

"Let them be," Gabriel murmured, the words almost lost in the tunnel's echo. "Just keep asking your questions. It's the most disruptive thing you could possibly do."

He pushed open a heavy door, leading them out into the cool, artificial twilight of the capital's evening. The gilded city spread before them, full of sharp, hostile beauty. Koen had cracked its pristine arena floor with a single, honest punch. The first break in their flawless facade. Gabriel watched him walk ahead, a solid, unpolished truth in a world of gleaming lies, and felt the plan solidify.

They wouldn't play the game. They would break it. One bewildering, genuine response at a time.

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